Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy