King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Life with a cat in one tweet
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
