Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?