Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

this is the kind of friend i am

Printer ink is expensive

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.