Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she鈥檚 LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Her: why don鈥檛 we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I hacked into my wife鈥檚 computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
spot the difference
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 馃檮
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don鈥檛 worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown