Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

💀😭

This line from Airplane.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

🤝

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!