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People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Fruity
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
