Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks