Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening a flower shop called women in stem

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: job interviews mostly