me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
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magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
🤣
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Breaking news:
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”