imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
