My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…