[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
No.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*