Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway