i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
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are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Good morning ☺️
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.