I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
You Might Also Like
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
definitely did not do anything wrong
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
the saddest jazz hands ever
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.