Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.