Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

😂😂

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

Weirdly Wednesday.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

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[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.