I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
You Might Also Like
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
Put the is in disheveled
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.