Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
when nothing goes right… go left
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Snapes on a plane.
i hope my email finds you on fire
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.