HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
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People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I came this close!!!!
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
These aren’t even hard anymore.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
What number SPF blocks people?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…