6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?