Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]