A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
