Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
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Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
OH. COME. ON.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
when you are just born a rebel
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers