That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
You Might Also Like
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
me irl
Ken is short for chicken
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*