It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
You Might Also Like
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
What number SPF blocks people?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Sure. Why not?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
