There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
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When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Thrilling chase underway
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.