There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Trains are just sideway elevators.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.