Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.