My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
You Might Also Like
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.