My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
this… may be the greatest story ever told
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet