[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you