Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
You Might Also Like
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Natty or not?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]