Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.