Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.