why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??