omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!