omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Would you wear it?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
bears
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.