Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#IWishIHadNever noticed

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

Wait a minute

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

My friend is an excellent librarian.

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

your honor my client chooses dare

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”