Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME