Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

That time Alicia messaged me

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

6: are snakes just neck?

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?