Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle