Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

opening twitter today

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)