*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
notice
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Best spoiler warning ever
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
same energy
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
