Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
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Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
😼🖥️
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
