Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

no!! no!!!!!!

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.