every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
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who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*