Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.