I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I’ve disappointed better people.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.