“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
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If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Not today
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.