Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

A decision was made here.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options