I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long